I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
