My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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