I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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