Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
