I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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