My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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