Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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