My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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