I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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