Someone shit on the floor
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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