I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
