dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
