I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
