I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
