Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
