It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The best revenge is premature balding
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
