I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
