Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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