I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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