I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
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Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
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Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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