I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
