you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
