i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you will always have a special place in my vag
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
