I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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