Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
