1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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