My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
