i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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