The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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