I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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