The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
