I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
