We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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