From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
my being single is dangerous.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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