How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
