Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
