One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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