Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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