I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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