Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
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New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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