blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
