he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
