When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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