I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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