I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
