am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have fence marks all over my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize