I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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