At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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