either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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