Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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