I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
