Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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