the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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