wrigley field is MILF paradise
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There r osticjed everywhere
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
