Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
