So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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