So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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