I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
