You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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