bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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